internal conflicts

In the early part of the week, I spent a day with my dear, beloved cousin. She is older and far wiser than I. She is blessed with family and grandchildren around her and gracing her home with constant activity. G-d Almighty hears her and answers her prayers. After visiting with my family, I longed to be closer to them. I longed to have this type of life. I came home ready to beg my husband to move. I even went so far as to tell him about the insecurity I feel about his traveling on the road... honestly, I try not to think about that . I think we will think about it for the next year. Yesha has been home, and I wish I were closer to my family. The internal conflict is a struggle.

My sister is moving to L.A. for a year, for the kids jewish education, for family, for friends. For all the reasons I moved to Israel. I am not surprised. But the negative influence creeps in with the news, and I am jealous of her ability to find what she's looking for and not have to leave Family and friends- but she gains it. I wanted to live by the Good Graces of the most Compassionate, our Father in Heaven. Alan and I wanted our children to live Jewishly in our Land... I felt that the move, loosing the comfort of a daily human support system (my aunt, mom and friends) was Kapparah- "payment" and that I would be a better vessel for Hashem's kindness, His generosity, His teachings and His Light. It's been a hard week.

I miss my family in Los Angeles. I miss girlfriends, girls-night out, and their babies. The babies nieces and nephews, cousins and friends, oh- how I miss and long to kiss and cuddle them. My brother's wife is expecting their first. As I said, it's been a hard week.

I look to our Father in Heaven. I beg for His comfort and Love. I pray he sends us what we need to live well here in his Home, in our home.

I am only a human and I am sad because I miss my family and friends. i want to stay here, but I want to be there too.

I am here almost a year, by Hashem's Goodness. And now, I am "homesick". Internal conflicts.

Too Long!

oh, it has been too long- forgive me. My family and life have gotten busier than I imagined and more amazing each passing day. Baruch Hashem - He is my Father, he gives me everything he thinks I need.

I am writing today, because I am listening to the madness of this gov't in Israel. I am torn, when elections come- do I vote? I don't want to contribute to the insanity and the choses for leadership are lacking at best, dangerous at worst.

My son will be going to the army next year, I worry about the people leading him. I am not rich, I can't just buy him the best of equipment, the best of everything. And the jewish mother's lament- what if they don't feed him?!

Seriously though, I think that if we stop to consider what is going on, we will see the cause and effect that is occurring in Israel. Example, Olmert announces that he's happy to give the Golan to Syria for peace... then in Gaza, there is a severe, small battle to avoid an incursion of terrorists and kidnapping of more of our soldiers. Coincidence? Really? I don't believe in it. Hashem, orchestrates the world. He sent this message. But Olmert won't listen, he is too arrogant and power driven to hear.

Living in Yesha, I see the way our world works. I see that our lives are dependent on our emunah and Hashem. We are safe on the whole, but we know that it's only due to Hashem's good graces. It's not hard to live, when you know that the kindest One is looking out for you.

I have a lot more on my mind. Lots. I hope to post more often. It's just getting harder to get the time to sit and get it done!

May Hashem bless you and yours.