internal conflicts

In the early part of the week, I spent a day with my dear, beloved cousin. She is older and far wiser than I. She is blessed with family and grandchildren around her and gracing her home with constant activity. G-d Almighty hears her and answers her prayers. After visiting with my family, I longed to be closer to them. I longed to have this type of life. I came home ready to beg my husband to move. I even went so far as to tell him about the insecurity I feel about his traveling on the road... honestly, I try not to think about that . I think we will think about it for the next year. Yesha has been home, and I wish I were closer to my family. The internal conflict is a struggle.

My sister is moving to L.A. for a year, for the kids jewish education, for family, for friends. For all the reasons I moved to Israel. I am not surprised. But the negative influence creeps in with the news, and I am jealous of her ability to find what she's looking for and not have to leave Family and friends- but she gains it. I wanted to live by the Good Graces of the most Compassionate, our Father in Heaven. Alan and I wanted our children to live Jewishly in our Land... I felt that the move, loosing the comfort of a daily human support system (my aunt, mom and friends) was Kapparah- "payment" and that I would be a better vessel for Hashem's kindness, His generosity, His teachings and His Light. It's been a hard week.

I miss my family in Los Angeles. I miss girlfriends, girls-night out, and their babies. The babies nieces and nephews, cousins and friends, oh- how I miss and long to kiss and cuddle them. My brother's wife is expecting their first. As I said, it's been a hard week.

I look to our Father in Heaven. I beg for His comfort and Love. I pray he sends us what we need to live well here in his Home, in our home.

I am only a human and I am sad because I miss my family and friends. i want to stay here, but I want to be there too.

I am here almost a year, by Hashem's Goodness. And now, I am "homesick". Internal conflicts.